This is an actual assignment I wrote for my Technical Writing class in college. And submitted. And made an A. Please enjoy.
Introduction
So, it is your first semester of college and you have been assigned your very first roommate. Now, if you are anything like me and hate talking to people, the idea of having to live with someone all year probably terrifies you. If you want to get rid of your college roommate without becoming a fugitive, scaring them off is an option. Once you know the fundamental idea behind the process, scaring your roommate away is much easier than you may think. The goal is to convince them that you are not simply inconsiderate but that you are a truly bizarre person. If you follow these techniques correctly, your roommate will have nothing to complain to your RA about except your eccentricity—and no RA will be able to help with that.
Warning! Failure to understand this central idea may lead to a confrontation with your RA about proper roommate etiquette. Do not get carried away with any of these steps.
The first step to scaring away your roommate is to fully commit to the task. If you start and do not finish, you will simply be left with an annoyed roommate who thinks you are the weirdest person they have ever met.
Warning! This process cannot be undone and once you have started, you must be sure that you do not ever want to be friends or even friendly acquaintances with your roommate.
Room Set-Up
Hang up an odd poster in the middle of your wall so that anyone who walks in can clearly see it. Figure 1 shows an example of an appropriate inappropriate poster of a naked Dumbledore that I used.
Hang photographs upside down on the rest of your wall.
Set up a shrine to someone in the corner of the room. Figure 2 shows the shrine to my cat that I set up in attempt to scare away my current roommate.
Note: If you are lucky, your roommate will walk in, see your decorations, and immediately walk out.
First Impression
First impressions are important, and you want to make sure to leave a bad one. Remember, you want to be friendly while making it clear that you are insane.
Greet them by giving them five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.
Ask them what their major is. Tell them you are a computer scientist because you like to hack into people’s personal files.
Mention a strange pet that you have always wanted. For example, say that your favorite animal is the banana slug, and you were thinking of getting one to have as a pet in the dormitory.
First Day
Your behavior during the first day of living in your room is important. The quicker you convince them that you are crazy, the quicker they will move out. If you do not drive them away soon after they move in, they may be too settled to go anywhere.
Set your alarm to be an unusual song to wake up to, such as heavy metal, Christmas music, or heavy metal Christmas music. Hit the snooze button several times.
Eat breakfast at your desk and whisper to your food. Do this regardless of whether your roommate is awake yet.
Write furiously on sticky notes at your desk and stick them up on your wall as you go. Do this for at least 10 sticky notes and make sure what you write does not make a bit sense.
Pretend to talk in your sleep. Repeat “they are listening” several times.
Stand by your window and stare out of it until your roommate asks what you are doing. Say that you believe photosynthesis can work for people, too, if they concentrate hard enough.
Make a visible to-do list with worrying tasks. Figure 3 is a list of chores that scared my roommate.
Conclusion
If your roommate is resilient and still has not moved out, continue these steps for a week. Add any steps you believe will further make you seem absurd. If all fails and you are stuck with a roommate, please see “How to pretend your roommate is invisible.”